By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
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[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Note to self: I am a note
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”