I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
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Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Europe. Made in Germany.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room