I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
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We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best