*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
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Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.