Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
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The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together