wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
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I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am