If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
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manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
Ferrari squats
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.