My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
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Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
BETRAYAL
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me: