Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
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*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.