I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
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When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
I have a new favorite meme page
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
had to share :’)
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
“Theirye’re” problem solved
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.