Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
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Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
The government even made aliens boring
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
“I took care of your clown problem.”
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..