Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
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My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.