My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
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I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.