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“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
no one ever comes back
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Still cracks me up
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.