Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
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I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
mood
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once