What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
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Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.