[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
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me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world