The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
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Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*