Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
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I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.