Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
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Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere