Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
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doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka