My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
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Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.