In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
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I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
File under excellent bookstore names.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
how to market bottled water to dads
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist