Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
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Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
The only equipped I am is ill.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Candles never taste the way they smell
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same