Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
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A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
All is fair in drunk and war.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
is this a warning or an offer?
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”