Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
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my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.