Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
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ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.