I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
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Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.