I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
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date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.