My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
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I could NOT have put it better myself.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.