remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
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Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?
Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?
Parents: go to your room.
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.