A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
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buys donuts instead
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that