I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
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Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Damn he played himself
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Important reminders
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.