Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
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What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song