everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
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If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”