*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
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My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?