Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
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Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Peace was never an option
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.