Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
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So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.