What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
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I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.