Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
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PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
RT if you could go either way.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
And bowling should be called pinball
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)