Lmao
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Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
What the hell happened in there??