I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
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Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Not😆🤣
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.