this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
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*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)