*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
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My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
choose your gary
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
me before I type out affect or effect
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man