I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
You Might Also Like
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
HOW DARE YOU
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.