Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
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Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
The real reason evolution started..😂
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave