HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
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I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Love this guy
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.