*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
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Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
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One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
Oops
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon