Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
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*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Okay me first
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.