Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
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people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them